So I finally realized that updating this blog every day was really unrealistic and essentially impossible--I'm still trying to figure out what schedule I'm going to put this on: once a week, twice a week? Not sure...
Anyway, just a quick update from my end. I was listening to the song "More Than Useless" by Relient K tonight, and the lyrics, though I've heard them a million times, really hit me for some reason. I'm gonna go through parts of the song and explain the impact each has personally on me.
I feel like, I would likeTo be somewhere else doing something that mattersAnd I'll admit here, while I sit hereMy mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
Whats the purpose? It feels worthlessSo unwanted like I've lost all my valueI can't find it, not in the least bitAnd I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you
And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at allAnd sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
This is me. A lot. I seem to feel like nothing I do in a regular day matters at all. I feel like I could be doing so many other things, but what I really end up doing is less than desirable. I saw a quote today along the lines of "I wake up every morning, ready to do something productive, and a voice in my mind says, 'Haha! Good one!'" Too true.
When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I could write chapters upon chapters of my novel, write dozens of songs, or finally get around to finishing the next Static Dynamik video. But the day goes on, and it doesn't happen. I may try to do these things, but I always fall short. I get writer's block, or what I write seems forced or stupid. I'm distracted by other things, and my song never takes off, or sounds cliche. The editing machine is full, or I accidentally delete footage, and nothing happens with the video.
The day passes, and I feel like it was a waste.
But then you assure meI'm a little more than uselessAnd when I think that I can't do thisYou promise me that I'll get through thisAnd do something rightDo something right for once
So I say if I can't, do something significantI'll opt to leave most opportunities wastedAnd nothing trivial, that life could give me willMeasure up to what might have replaced itToo late look, my date bookIs packed full of days that were empty and now goneAnd I bet, that regretWill prove to get me to improve in the long run
To be honest, I cried a little bit listening to these lyrics tonight. I was in the car alone, and there was no around to embarrass, so I shed a few tears. I often forget this most crucial fact: God has given me the promise that I am more than useless. Even when I feel like there is no point, God doesn't. He sees the big picture, and though sometimes I know He must feel disappointed when I go through a day doing so much, but really doing nothing at all, most of the time I think He is guiding me through every step, knowing that I need to take this life one step at a time, one struggle at a time.
And apathy, this slayer of billions, is a struggle indeed.
I'm starting to see what I was missing these past few months, spent without much passion for anything. It was a connection with God. To be someone, I have to start with Him--the One who gives me my worth. To have meaning, to do something purposeful, one has to have a direction in which to travel. That direction needs to be towards Jesus Christ, the only person who can give true purpose.
And that is the direction, starting now and going on for the rest of my life, that I hope to travel,