And The Tears, They Finally Came

I'm sitting in the car, waiting for my brother to be finished with his dance lesson. He's part of a hip-hop class, and he's really good at it. He loves dancing. And I'm proud of him. But that's not what I'm thinking about.

I grab the novel sitting on the center console between the two front seats of the Suburban--I'm almost finished. I read for almost two hours today in the car on the way back from Dubuque. That might be why my stomach is churning and I have a headache. Or maybe it's because of something else.

I start reading. This book is good. The fourth book of one of my favorite series--I'm doing my annual reread of all of David Eddings' books. But I still don't feel well, and my eyes are strained from motion sickness, and so I put it down after only a few pages. I start feeling tired. Maybe I should just shut the lights off and try to take a nap or something. Not like that ever goes well for me. But I'm literally about to fall asleep, so...

I grab my headphones and start to put them in, searching through my music for some soft instrumental pieces to fall asleep to. I don't always do that, but sometimes it helps. I pick a Lowercase Noises track and close my eyes.

I can't fall asleep. The track is "Persistence", and it's one of those wonderfully nostalgic pieces that reminds me of the past and has me looking towards the future. I sigh and realize that I'm wide awake now, my thoughts racing at a hundred miles an hour. Four hours ago was the last time I saw them. The last time I'd see them for a long time. Again.

I haven't been sad about it, really. They're going to a fantastic college with fantastic people and learning fantastic things. I miss them, and they miss me, but we're all okay with the way things are. And that's pretty awesome. They have a home in Missouri now. I'm so excited for them.

We'll keep in touch. I know we will. And life is different, but life is still great, and God is still good. And I'll see them again along the road. But the music is still playing in my ears, and I feel nostalgic. So I take out the letter that she wrote to me.

I read it for the second time today. I smiled the first time I read it, after we all left Dubuque--I headed back to Janesville, and they headed back to Moberly. I smile again as I read it to nostalgic music. But this time I cry. I knew it was going to happen eventually, I'm a pretty emotional person. But it's not a sad, bitter cry, as so many have been before it. It's a happy little sob that wrenches at my heart and turns my brain to jelly as I thank God for everything that is amazing in my life.

It feels like a dam breaking loose, setting my emotions free and taking with it any remaining sense of loss I was holding on to. I finish the letter as I continue to sob. I grab my phone as a short verse comes to my mind. I start composing a tweet.

And the tears, they finally came
In between these bouts of rain
Time will tell, time will show
When this rain will make the flowers grow

I hit send.

2015 is just beginning. Life will be different. But life will be good. I know this.

My friends are still my friends, no matter where life takes us. I love them, they love me. Even if we disagree at times, even if things may drive us apart... We share something that ordinary people just don't understand. You see, we all met at this church in Janesville, and we all grew and learned and leaned on each other as we all held God's hand. And I don't think any of us will ever forget that. I still have them. I still have her.

That's enough.

The Only Thing I'm Sure Of Is Things Will Change

Take a look at this city
What do you see?
63,000 people
And counting

Yeah, it’s not much to look at
But that doesn't bother me
Because it’s this city
That gave me so much clarity

Zoom in on a church at the end of this street
See a dozen young men and women
Trying to figure out who they’re supposed to be
Cause we don’t know yet, but we’re learning

I remember, those warm summer nights
When we were all together,everything was alright
It’s been too long

It’s been forever, so how have you been?
Do you still remember, our promise way back then
I wrote it in a song

Zoom out and we’re all in different places
A dozen points on this map
Don’t understand who they’re supposed to be
Yeah, we don’t know yet, but we’re learning

Everything we've said is burned into my mind
I wrote it all down in case we had the time
To go back to those days when everything was fine
Everything was fine

So, I’ll take all these words and I’ll write a million songs
Maybe someday we’ll all find where we belong
Please forgive me for all those times when I was wrong
Those times when I was wrong

So, I’ll use words like ink and my voice just like a pen
Trying to define my emotions once again
The only thing to say is bear with me my friends
Cause this is not the end

Oh my friends, the only thing I’m sure of is that things will change
No, I won’t pretend--the only thing I hope for is that things won’t change
At least not enough to matter in the end, oh...
This world will try to break us but we won’t bend, no…
Cause we have something they don’t understand, whoa!
Cause we have something they don’t understand

Take a look at this city
What do you see?
63,000 people and a dozen more leaving
As you go take a look back
I pray that you see
That is was this city and these people
That gave you so much clarity

Zoom out and we’re all in different places
Zoom back in and I’m still here
Don’t understand who I’m supposed to be
Oh, I don’t know yet, but I’m learning

We don’t know yet, but we’re learning

Anywhere 2014

This year was a year of change.

I graduated high school, along with an amazing group of other teenagers that I believe will do great things in this world for the Lord. I struggled with mistakes, and I learned from them, pressing on against the things in this world that would hold me back. I watched as some of the people dearest to me began to move on with their lives, going forward towards their dreams. Some of those people moved away. Some stayed in little old Janesville. I try to stay in touch with all of them, but sometimes you just can't continue to have as close a friendship as you once did, because of the distance.

For the past three years, my friend group and I have had a short phrase that we used to categorize our year. In 2012, that was YOLO, which was sort of ironically chosen because of how much all of us thought that phrase was dumb. We ended up embracing its simpler meaning, and had all sorts of crazy adventures that year. That year was the year I began to develop the deepest friendships I'd ever had before, and continue to have.

Next, it was Younglife in 2013, referencing the Anberlin song of the same name. We continued to have crazy adventures, but this was the year that most of my dearest friends graduated and started to go in a different direction with their lives. The bridge of the song Younglife perfectly illustrated my hopes and fears at that point in my life: "All those days gone forever, wonder if we're gonna ever see all our Younglife friends that we made again. Have we all lost connection? Life blows in all directions. Memories bring us back to where we've been."

This year, it was a few months before we ended up deciding on a phrase. Most of the people who had been such a vital part of my life before had begun to move away or just not be in touch as much, and so there was less of that "every Sunday afternoon we hang out" mentality, as we all began to grow up. Finally, in the driveway of one of my best friends', we came up with our theme for the year. Anywhere.

You see, my two best friends in all the world--Anna and Miranda--were moving to Moberly, Missouri, to go to a fantastic Bible college. And the clock kept ticking away the time we had left together. We decided there and then that ANYWHERE we were, we'd still be side by side. Things were going to change, but we would still keep in touch. We would still be the best of friends. And we would still support each other and love each other in everything the others did.

The months passed, my two best friends moved away. I had a really hard time without them. And I mean really hard. I was very depressed for a while, and though I probably didn't outwardly show it, the more time that passed not having seen them, the harder it got. Finally, they came back in October for a weekend, and I got to hug them and laugh with them again. It was wonderful. But it was also very obvious that things had changed, and they could never go back to being quite like they had been. And I had to deal.

I didn't deal very well at first. To be honest, I was sort of bitter. Though I desperately wished I could drop everything and go to Missouri, I knew that it made no sense. Everything that I did, everything that I was...it was here in Janesville. The best plan...the thing that made the most sense for my life was to stay here. And so, I worried. I worried that my two best friends would move on with their lives completely, and little old me would be left behind, wondering where they had gone off to.

I was very bitter, with God, with everyone around me. I just couldn't understand why any of this had to happen. Why couldn't everyone just stay in Janesville and life could stay the same? But then the Lord started working on my heart. Things are going to change, Caleb, He said. There is nothing you can do about that. All you can do is continue as you always have. Being the person I created you to be.

I realized something. Who was I to think that I knew better than God in this master plan? Who was I to believe that I knew how to tell the story better? The only thing I could do was continue to love and support everyone around me, giving them encouragement. That's the thing I'm good for. God didn't want me to be bitter. He needed me to be supporting, encouraging. He needed me to be there for people. And I was too busy wallowing in my depression to see that. Until now.

I'm okay. Yes, things have changed, and yes, I still hope that when we're all adults, some of us can live nearby each other and continue to be the best of friends, and then our kids can be friends, and it'll be awesome...but I'm okay. I'm okay with what God has planned for my life, whatever kind of crazy ups and downs it holds. If there's one thing I know, it's that life is God's story, and the only thing I'm good for is being a part of that story the best way I know how.

So, as Anywhere 2014 comes to a close, I take a look back and realize how great my life was...and how great my life continues to be, despite the changes. My best friends are still my best friends, and we've changed...but no matter where we go from here, we'll still be side by side. Goodbye, Anywhere, and hello 2015, whatever you will be titled.

And thank you Lord, for this breath I'm breathing, this life I'm living, this song I'm singing, and this story we're telling.

Recording Demos and Other Audio Stuff

Well, the craziness of the summer has finally died down, and I can take a bit of a step back from constant trips and long work hours in between those trips. It's weird that summer is almost over already--but it always happens this way, so I guess I should be used to it by now.

First off, I'm sad. A huge number of my friends just left Janesville for their respective colleges, leaving me and a select few here in the good ol' hometown to keep on keeping on. Among those are my two best friends of all time, Anna and Miranda. So, yeah, I've been kind of bummed lately.

But anyway, let's get away from the sad and talk about the awesome! Before heading on this last camping trip, I ordered an XLR-to-USB cable, because, thanks to Blimey Cow, I had been getting really interested in audio production. Well, that was one of the best ideas I've ever had. Once I got back from camping, I hooked up a microphone to the computer over at church, and spent a few hours recording a song demo. My guitar even has an XLR plug-in, so the sound quality I got from it was actually quite good.

Yes, it was a crappy demo. I'm not very good at sound design (yet), and I have a lot to learn yet recording music, but it was just so cool to hear a song of mine layered with tracks and put together almost exactly as I imagined it. I'm gonna have some fun with this.

No, I will not be putting any of these demos publicly on the internet. They are very bad, as I have already said.

But, I'm starting to have a lot of fun with various audio stuff. My younger brother Chase and I made a short humorous little audio drama the other day, and I had fun messing with different sound effects and voices for characters, so we'll see what the future holds.

Oh, and ummm... I know this is kind of embarassing, but I'm still not finished with the Clockwork Cowboy story. Sorry about that. It's so close, but I didn't quite as much writing as I wanted to done. Hopefully, I'll finish it this week and be able to start on the new short story idea Trevor and I had.

Until then, have fun with your lives. I'll be having fun with mine.