More Than Useless

So I finally realized that updating this blog every day was really unrealistic and essentially impossible--I'm still trying to figure out what schedule I'm going to put this on: once a week, twice a week? Not sure...

Anyway, just a quick update from my end. I was listening to the song "More Than Useless" by Relient K tonight, and the lyrics, though I've heard them a million times, really hit me for some reason. I'm gonna go through parts of the song and explain the impact each has personally on me.

I feel like, I would like

To be somewhere else doing something that matters

And I'll admit here, while I sit here

My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

Whats the purpose? It feels worthless

So unwanted like I've lost all my value

I can't find it, not in the least bit

And I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all

And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all

This is me. A lot. I seem to feel like nothing I do in a regular day matters at all. I feel like I could be doing so many other things, but what I really end up doing is less than desirable. I saw a quote today along the lines of "I wake up every morning, ready to do something productive, and a voice in my mind says, 'Haha! Good one!'" Too true.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I could write chapters upon chapters of my novel, write dozens of songs, or finally get around to finishing the next Static Dynamik video. But the day goes on, and it doesn't happen. I may try to do these things, but I always fall short. I get writer's block, or what I write seems forced or stupid. I'm distracted by other things, and my song never takes off, or sounds cliche. The editing machine is full, or I accidentally delete footage, and nothing happens with the video.

The day passes, and I feel like it was a waste.

But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless

And when I think that I can't do this

You promise me that I'll get through this

And do something right

Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant

I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted

And nothing trivial, that life could give me will

Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book

Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone

And I bet, that regret

Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

To be honest, I cried a little bit listening to these lyrics tonight. I was in the car alone, and there was no around to embarrass, so I shed a few tears. I often forget this most crucial fact: God has given me the promise that I am more than useless. Even when I feel like there is no point, God doesn't. He sees the big picture, and though sometimes I know He must feel disappointed when I go through a day doing so much, but really doing nothing at all, most of the time I think He is guiding me through every step, knowing that I need to take this life one step at a time, one struggle at a time.

And apathy, this slayer of billions, is a struggle indeed.

I'm starting to see what I was missing these past few months, spent without much passion for anything. It was a connection with God. To be someone, I have to start with Him--the One who gives me my worth. To have meaning, to do something purposeful, one has to have a direction in which to travel. That direction needs to be towards Jesus Christ, the only person who can give true purpose.

And that is the direction, starting now and going on for the rest of my life, that I hope to travel,